we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
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When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁