‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
You Might Also Like
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*