besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
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A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
channeling her this year
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.