You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
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Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
How do dragons blow out candles?
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.