I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
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Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?