Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
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Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
me and the Superbowl rn
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.