I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
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[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN