*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
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Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Rambo Rambow
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*