When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
You Might Also Like
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
men are simple creatures
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.