Lil Brain – Out of Leads
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In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
For the orator and chef in all of us
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
Just say no
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.