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can’t bark with your mouth full
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
This has made my week.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”