It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
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Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Still cracks me up
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Penguins walking in 5x speed