“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
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Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him