16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
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[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
who wants to go expliring
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy