If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
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I just love that new Pope smell.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.