Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
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The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers