Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
You Might Also Like
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
There’s always that one guy
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠