I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
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Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
#math
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
when someone compliments me
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.