Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
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There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.