WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
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There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos