Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
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“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Just a friendly reminder!
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.