Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
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me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Feels
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*