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Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…