HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
You Might Also Like
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
I identify as an antique shop.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.