Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
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i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
i’m still crying at this
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.