My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
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I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.