I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
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[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
What
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.