Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
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even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no