that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
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The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Canada has crack?
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that