Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
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Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
I got bills
They’re multiplying
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀