[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
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This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest