windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
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[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.