why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
You Might Also Like
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…