I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
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My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
I put the mess in domestic.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic