If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
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Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms