there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
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Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Good Morning.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.