I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
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godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
True
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
2022 be like
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?