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me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.