Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
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My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.