“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
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When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!