the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
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WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store