I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
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[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List