can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
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Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
My boss called in sick of me
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”