Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
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Drive as I say, not as I drive.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya