I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
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All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
*seductively corrects your posture*
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.