I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
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I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
My dad is at it again