Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
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My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
I was just discussing this with my cat
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.