At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
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Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
this could fix me
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?