Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
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welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.