I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
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Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
absolute chaos
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend